Childline

Yesterday I had a 1-2-1 chat with a childline councillor. Some of it helped and they obviously care. I felt I needed to talk to someone. So I did. I'm going on again tonight. I've promised some things. If you're feeling down just go online and have a 1-2-1 chat with a councillor, they will definitely help you.

friends

I was talking to old friends and it made me think. People change. I love changes. It brings out the REAL person. Not some fake person. I've had too many fake friends and its stupid. They backstab you. They don't care about you. Because they never did. Ever. I think I have about 5 friends. Yep. At school that is. Out of school I have about 1 friend. She's cool. I haven't told her about the cuts. No. I have told 3 of my close friends though. I told 2 of them that I'm schizophrenic. They all know I'm an insomniac. Only 1 knows about my low self esteem, the way I have now started skipping breakfast and lunch, the one I trust the most, the one who cares. I'm pretty loud and bitchy at school. It's my 'self defence' against people. I think that's why I hardly get bullied, I'm not the quiet one people would pick on. I'm a black stripe in taekwondo. Today, I made 3 cuts. First cut because I was pressured. Second cut because I was putting myself down. Third cut because I'm a fuck up. I promised myself I would never become suicidal. I promised.

strange things I have said.

here's some strange things I've said;
"I'd like to wax Harry's genitals."
"We even know their penis sizes."
"Remember when you threw up on my leg?"
"HAI IM A GIANT TOE."
"I'd marry Harry Styles so that I could fuck him multiple times."
"Please let his hands touch me inappropriately."
"Fuck fuckedy fucker fuck I'm fuckin shittin brix love."
"Sorry but I don't fucking care."
wow.

why I self harm.

I self harm because I'm ugly and fat and worthless and stupid and insane and fucked up and the list goes on and on. Occasionally I get the odd 'fat' and 'ugly' at school. I'm schizophrenic and the voices, they tell me the same things. Fat, ugly, stupid. Then they tell me to cut. I think about it then find a blade. Then I just, slice. It helps me escape. Crying and cutting. I feel like nobody cares.
Not even myself.

about me.

well here's a bit about me. you'll learn more later on, maybe. my name is aly. I am 13. I live in the UK. I'm a cutter. I cut my left wrist and my right thigh and sometimes my stomach. I have reasons why. I'm an insomniac. I skip breakfast and sometimes lunch. I'm schizophrenic. I have not told anybody in my family about this. I'm scared to. I have an intense fear of lifts. I'm scared they will fall. I love one direction. I go all fangirly over them. I have a crush on someone. I wouldn't call it bullying, but I get called ugly and fat sometimes. I'm quite clever. I'm predicted an A* for my GCSE's. In year 7 I got a level 7a for biology. Top of the class, the next highest level was 6a. I can be loud. I'm happier at school than at home. I don't know why. I carry sharpener blades in my bag at school. They're small and sharp. That's all I have to say. So far.