friends

I was talking to old friends and it made me think. People change. I love changes. It brings out the REAL person. Not some fake person. I've had too many fake friends and its stupid. They backstab you. They don't care about you. Because they never did. Ever. I think I have about 5 friends. Yep. At school that is. Out of school I have about 1 friend. She's cool. I haven't told her about the cuts. No. I have told 3 of my close friends though. I told 2 of them that I'm schizophrenic. They all know I'm an insomniac. Only 1 knows about my low self esteem, the way I have now started skipping breakfast and lunch, the one I trust the most, the one who cares. I'm pretty loud and bitchy at school. It's my 'self defence' against people. I think that's why I hardly get bullied, I'm not the quiet one people would pick on. I'm a black stripe in taekwondo. Today, I made 3 cuts. First cut because I was pressured. Second cut because I was putting myself down. Third cut because I'm a fuck up. I promised myself I would never become suicidal. I promised.

why I self harm.

I self harm because I'm ugly and fat and worthless and stupid and insane and fucked up and the list goes on and on. Occasionally I get the odd 'fat' and 'ugly' at school. I'm schizophrenic and the voices, they tell me the same things. Fat, ugly, stupid. Then they tell me to cut. I think about it then find a blade. Then I just, slice. It helps me escape. Crying and cutting. I feel like nobody cares.
Not even myself.